Here I Go!

Starting something is never easy for me. I am a procrastinator. Is it the denial? Is it because someone might read it and think it is stupid? Is it because all of my thoughts and emotions are so jumbled up that I can not even imagine having them make sense? I am pretty sure it is a little of everything. I never expected the blogging to continue. I didn't think my life would continue to be worth sharing. I was looking forward to my life calming down when my cancer treatments were over and feeling as though my life was too boring to write about. How great would that be? :-) My mom was recently diagnosed with a fairly rare disease called Frontotemporal Dementia. She is only 60 years old and I can't believe this is our life. So, starting to write about it isn't easy. I wish I were a better communicator. I wish I could write something that was inspiring and that someone who is going through a similar situation could read and I could have an impact. I want someone to google Frontotemporal Dementia and come across my blog and be so grateful they found it because someone else out there knows what they are going through and can help. I want to talk about the disease and talk about my mom and how awesome she is and how lucky I have been to be her daughter. Even though it is so hard right now to remember who she once was, I want to go through the memories and never forget how blessed I am even when things don't seem to be going the way I would like. I am rambling. I think that is best. It gives a good depiction of what plays in my mind all the time. The craziness, the hurt, the fear, the memories, the dread, the frustration, the desire for my life to be boring, even if just for a moment.

I didn't know...

Recently, I have been wondering how families deal with multiple tragedies. I also wondered why God had to even give families multiple tragedies. Why not just divy them up? This family gets one tragedy, this family another tragedy, etc. I just don't think it's fair. I'm not really questioning God, I am simply saying, that this is not the way I would do things. Then again, I've always been aware that the way God does things is always better than the way I would do them. :-)

A new unexpected journey...

In March, 2009, I went back to Rush to meet with my surgeon, oncologist and radialogist for my 1st follow up visit after my treatment. I sailed through every test with the end verdict? I was cancer free!!! What an awesome, crazy, amazing, overwhelming feeling. It had been exactly one year since this breast cancer journey had begun. The waiting, the doctors visits, more doctors visits, phone calls to hospitals, to insurance companies. As though having to fight cancer wasn't enough, you have to fight with the records department at 2 hospitals and the receptionists in all of your doctors offices. The surgery, the recovery, the radiation, the check ups, being touched by more strange people than I ever thought possible. It was a hard road, but wow... I was cancer free and God had continued to answer our prayers. It would be 6 full months before I would step into the hospital again. Or, so I thought. Once again, God had a different journey planned out for me and my family. One that we are struggling to get direction, but trusting that God is and always will be, in control. You see, when things seem completely out of our hands, it is because they are in God's hands. We can question Him, we can get mad at Him, and we can blame Him, we can feel like we are losing our minds, but the fact remains the same. God is ALWAYS in control. He loves us, He will take care of us and He will NEVER forsake us.

2008

I went and got a massage today. It was a spur of the moment thing, and it was heavenly. The massage therapist was a bit of a chatter box though. Since I had to list my lumpectomy and my Tamoxifen in my new client form, she was quick to ask me about my breast cancer situation. I briefly gave her the saga and at the end she responded with, "I bet you will be happy when 2008 is over." Is it crazy to say that it will be hard to let 2008 go? I am so happy that I have made it through this chapter in my life, but I don't look at it as something I am looking forward to let go of, or forget about. 2008 has been the most impactful year of my life. I have learned so much about me and about my husband and about my marriage. I have become a much stronger person, I have learned to love a lot of things about me that I never thought I could.

Grace

I have been hearing a lot and reading a lot about God's grace.  To me, it is by far the most amazing part of knowing Christ as my personal Savior.  There is a song that says, "His grace is enough. He covers me in His love. His grace is enough for me".  It is the most amazing, undeserving comfort that we have.  He's the God of 2nd chances.  Gods grace runs deeper than my greatest mistake.  That is unimaginable!  Isaiah 43:25
Aren't you glad that God isn't fair?  It's not about arguing and debating. It's about my Jesus.  To know that you have never met anyone Jesus didn't die for!

Recycling

This is another thing that has come from my cancer diagnosis.  I recycle more?!?!?!?  How does that happen?  I just care more???

How lucky am I!!!

I am slowly finding the blessings in this journey.  I was trying to think about the good that comes out of horrible situations, even ones that are much worse than mine.  I think that during our trying times, our blessings are often highlighted.  Does that make sense?  When things are going well and we are cruising along in life with little to upset us, we can get really lazy in our awareness of what God is trying to teach us.  When things are good, we might be less likely to notice what God is doing in our lives.  It is when we are going through trials that we make the effort to seek out the positive and become much more aware and more grateful for what God has done.